Yes, indeed the mental weight is a thing. It is an incredibly important part of this journey. It is not just a mental thing it also has a physiological response in your body. I had to dig deep, and I'm still digging. It hurt, to know the things that are holding you back.
I was always a very nervous, and anxious person. My fears were always rooted in rejection and caused a lot of stress. What I didn't know is the physical effect of stress. I had no understanding of hormones being released, the effects it has on your heart or your nervous system. I struggled with depression and anxiety disorder, and I lived there. I never dealt with anything I just swept it under the rug, however, it would always manifest itself in my life in some form. I began to realized I am a hamster on a wheel. I was running and getting nowhere. You may have your own cycle but mine went a little something like this. The feeling or thought shows up, I assess whether I want to deal with it, push it to the back of my mind and continue on but it always came back.
The second part of my mental weight was the disease to please. I needed acceptance and validation. I wanted above all for someone to love me cause I didn't know how to love myself. ( I still don't but I am learning a little at the time) The concept of totally accepting yourself when you were not sure what that looked like. Always falling short or never being quite good enough. Now some people thrive in that space and say to themselves I will not allow this to define me. I, sadly, was not, it not only defined me I became every bad feeling, word, thought and I looked outside of myself to find something good about me. What I found was anything but that. Since you attract the way you act, everything that comes into your life is a mirror image of something you put out there I kept getting people who not only didn't love themselves they seemed to elevate their lack of self-love by putting me down. My desperation to gain their validation made me a perfect candidate for their campaign.
I had no model of what self-assurance, self-acceptance, personal pride, worthiness, self-understanding, so I willingly signed up to be a victim. I played my role well, because if I couldn't get accolades for something I would take pity cause it is still attention. Then I played another kind of victim where I stayed in these toxic relationships way too long just to prove my endurance and strength.
To give you a clearer picture... I couldn't say "no" even if I didn't want to do it. I couldn't walk away even if the situation warranted it. The fear was I am not important enough and I will lose this person forever and I need them. I wouldn't defend myself, so I allowed people to break me down and with no pride, at all I gave them what they wanted. The chance to build themselves up at my expense and stand there and take it. I am saying this cause someone out there is going through the same thing in some way and they need to know that they are not alone. When you reach the level of depression where your life is not your own is what everyone has said you are. When you feel like it is not worth living and you physically feel the pain. I want you to know you can take that power back. Let that pain make you strong and say not me, not anymore. You dig in with your heels and if you can find one thing a day that makes you feel good about yourself you will take back your own power.
...to be continued
